Singapore, tourist mode: on!

These are calm days before the storm on Monday since it will be my first day of school. Worsened by the facts that I have no idea what to learn, except it will be as weird as nuclear literature (I think).

So why bother, just grabbed the camera and be a tourist! The tourist team consisted of Ci Asiang as tour leader, Ko Budi, and Ko Cungcun (pardon if there should be any typo).

First target should be the icon of Singapore, the Merlion. Truthfully it was my first time taking picture with it. Well I live in Indonesia but I don't have any picture with Monas either =(. Crossed it everytimes I headed to Gambir (alighted at Monas TransJakarta bus-stop, and then walked along Silang Monas to Gambir), but it never crossed my mind to picture with it. What an ignorance person I am.



I was quite surprised to find out that Merlion Park is not too far from where I live now at Chinatown. Guess I'm still fresh out from the village anyway =).

The second stop was Buddha Tooth Relic Temple at Smith Street. With the same spirit as Singapore, the temple is glamor with numerous luxurious facilities : elevator, basement parking lot, air conditioned room, but in the other hand also heavily commercialized.



Picture above is my favorite statue, I ran and breathed "wow" when I first saw it. It is very simple yet very beautiful, as if the Buddha really floats in the thin air.
Pictures uploaded to my flickr.

Ke Badui!

30/11/2008

Diajakin anak2 NSN ke Badui (walaupun gw bukan karyawan lagi). Secara Sauma (jadi pengganti gw! cahyo!) rumahnya di Rangkasbitung.

Secara pergi ke Rangkas tinggal naek bus dari depan rumah, so hayuk ajalah. Naeknya bareng2 tukang gali FO di depan rumah juga, dan sepanjang perjalanan gw merasa agak "out of place" karena Cina sendiri (it shows!). Walaupun sempet dagdigdug di perjalanan "ooh dimanakah aku sekarang", secara perjalanan diluar dugaan cukup jauh (pernah juga ke Rangkas.. nganter pembantu.. tapi itu sudah lama sekalii...).

Singkat cerita gw baru tau kalo Badui itu ada Badui luar dan Badui dalam. Yang mengagetkan, ada papan pengumuman yang salah satu butirnya kira-kira berbunyi "orang yang berkulit putih (selain berkebangsaan Indonesia) dilarang masuk ke area Badui dalam". RASIS! Belum lagi menggunakan kata "berkebangsaan" daripada penggunaan kata "berkewarganegaraan" yang lebih menekankan ke aspek fisik. Grrr.....

Ya sudahlah karena memang dasarnya mau jadi turis... maka kita foto2 aja di Badui luar sekali en beli beberapa cenderamata.

Laptop (sebelum dan sesudah)

Ketemu foto2 jadul pas jaman kerja dolo.

Ini laptop pas kerja. Byasa ciri khas gw, desktop penuh abis. Ketika berenti gyaaa, casingnya udah patah. Jadi nda bisa ditutup lagi =P. Untung Siemens bae... nda ditagih ganti rugi.

Tenkyu untuk kerjasamanya dan mau menemani hingga akhir. Udah naek turun gunung, keluar masuk ruang meeting, blegar beledur maen game sama2 terus.

Temen apa temen???

Oh my ***!!! It's sooooooo last-last-last year for someone using that kind of words and tone. The moment of saying, it's quite classic already:

A: I have a friend who ....
B: Temen apa temeeeen niih?

Some say language evolves faster that the speed of Charles Darwin feeding banana to his great-great uncle. Come on dude! Move on!

40 Hari Mencari Pocong dan Mati Lampu

Dikarenakan bioskop Bandar Lampung hanya satu di seluruh kota Lampung, dan filmnya buatan dalam negeri mlulu, makanya kita nonton "40 Hari Mencari Pocong" pada hari Minggu lalu.

Awalnya tertarik dengan nama sutradara yg cukup beken: Rudi Soedjarwo dan berharap mengobati kekecewaan dengan Pocong 3 a.k.a "Si Merah".

Alhasil lebih mending daripada Pocong 3 tapi tetap saja tidak se-fenomenal Jelangkung. Jujur jadi merasa agak bosan dengan adegan2 hantunya.

Tapi hari Senin...blep lampu padam sekota karena hujan deras. Dan cewe2 yg ikutan nonton pocong rupanya mengalami phobia terhadap kondisi yg gelap gulita.

Pulang meeting dengan XL jam 21.30 ke kos, ternyata 2 cewe kumpul dan tidak bisa tidur serta merengek2 kembali ke kantor dengan ditemani.

Mondar mandir nda browsing bokep di kantor sampai pukul 01.00 dan akhirnya bisa pulang karena lampu di kos-an telah menyala kembali.

Sialnya begitu sampai ke kos, blep.. lampu kembali mati. Karena pasrah dan gw sudah mengomel2 karena ngantuk, akhirnya cewe2 bisa menerima kenyataan dan pergi tidur. Untungnya lampu menyala kembali sekitar 30 menit kemudian.

Besoknya? Wah ngantuk karena kurang tidur.

First Post in 2008!

Well it is! Believe it or not. I was too busy to do else than work, browsing, and replying to emails.

Work is just hectic on this new year with one person down (the team assistant, due to giving birth), a lot of sites to be designed, upgrades, documentation, BOQs, and batches of survey.

The coordination can be said as exhausting. Lampung, Jakarta, and Palembang, even my Yahoo! can't stand the load and keep displaying "unusual activity detected, account is suspended for 48 hours". I have to open another "service door" at gmail.

I am leaving this project, it's 80% sure, with or without securing another job first.
My commitment is to finish phase 2 since I have been here since it's started. Now? it's commercially launched already.

I realized, when it is your first job, you always think whether other jobs outside is as good as it is.
This is also my concern, and to continue my study will be my first priority after this.
With minimum PBT TOEFL at 580 (NUS as standard), I really feel not too confident. Even more with IBT since speaking and writing skill are involved.

Well, steps have to be taken, and quitting the job is the first.

Oh, on the verge of this new year, I'm quite surprised that I've picked the number 1 of the best books of 2007 (Amazon's version): A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini on my last way back to Palembang. It's just me picked the best book... wow....although I've read it and not feel too astonished. The characters are good, and the plot is good also... but not WOW(but again, it's just me).

Lampung: Teluk Betung District

When I first arrived in Lampung, people often asked me whether I live in Teluk or Karang area. I said how could I know, I live in Bandar Lampung.

Later on I discovered that two regions are separated by quite great elevation that make uphill and downhill road between both areas. Karang lies on higher ground, and Teluk lies on lower ground.

If I bike between both areas, from Karang the road is a nice downhill, you just enjoy the ride without even need of pedaling. But the trip home, oooh I need to take short break between the uphill trip. My poor legs......

What I've learned is that Teluk is a kind of old commercial area, but it's still neatly organized. If a place should be called Chinatown in Lampung, I would point out to Teluk area. I can see a lot of mom-and-dad-store there. On Sunday morning you could find some people cycling also looking for breakfast or going to the market.

It's the location itself that gives the name "Teluk Betung", yes because it lies on Lampung's gulf which also directly faces the sea.

The landmark for myself on this area are:

1. Yen-yen, a shop for buying banana chips, a trademark of souvenir from Lampung
2. Eleste, partner of Bayu Buana tour and travel(Siemens favourite travel company)
3. Mie Lampung 1, the original of many Mie Lampung restaurant across the city.
4. Mandarin "what heck is the name" Christian Church, first find in town!
5. Sheraton hotel
6. Putri Ganesha, notorious as **esek2** hotel?

I like this new city, new place for the adventurous.... hahahahaha.....

Transportation Method: Bike!

Awalnya sempet bingung... ini di Lampung mau pakai apa yah? Secara ngga gaul betul ikut2 mobil kantor mlulu.... mana waktu private-nya... huhuhu.....

Naik angkot? Agak bingung secara angkot2-nya color coded, so rutenya nda ditulis di angkotnya.

Padahal hati udah kebelet untuk eksplorasi kota baru.

So... rencana awal adalah request motor mantan kuliah dulu untuk dikirim ke Lampung.

Tapi pas libur lebaran, jalan2 tuh ke RodaLink Lippo Karawaci bareng Koko dan "calon" Cici hehehehe...

Ngeliat2 wah sepeda trendi2 juga yah....harganya juga nda malu2-in(mahal maksutnya). Tapi tetep kesannya sportie euy....

Akhirnya dengan membudgetkan duid yang awalnya untuk beli Nokia N93i, mulai2-lah mengeksplorasi segala sesuatu tentang sepeda. Untunglah ada forum sepedaku, sangat membantu dan penghuninya baik2.

Awalnya sih ingin membeli di Lampung, setelah mengkonfirmasikan dengan toko sepeda lokal, mereka hanya menjual fullbike non-Polygon, jadi dua brand kuat yg dijual adalah Giant dan United. Pilih memilih akhirnya pilihan jatuh pada Giant Yukon dan United Blade. Sayang disayang dua-duanya tidak tersedia... huaaaaaa..... Yukon baru akan masuk akhir November, dan Blade belum di-release oleh United(padahal katalognya 2007 dan November ini line up 2008 sudah bisa dibeli... apa2-an seeh).

Akhir-nya diputuskan membeli sepeda second saja.... kembali melalui forum sepedaku. Didapatlah Amoeba Hussar generik, fullset Alivio, dan yg lain standar2 saja. 2.25 juta sampai di Lampung. Nda tau rugi apa nda(apa malah untung yah)... tapi ya udahlah... namanya pemula...masih bego... ntar pelan2 belajar.

Frame generik a.k.a palsu? Kayanya nda begitu masalah deh... kalau memang bisa gw pake sampe patah.. langsung ganti ke Giant XTC... ahahahaha...
Alivio? Setingkat dibawah Deore... above average lah buat pemula.

Datenknya sih pake peti... amit2 ngebongkarnya... mana petinya kemudian harus dibongkar biar gampang dibuang. Huhuhu... kerja sampai jam 2 pagi.

Pas jadi... wuess lemayan keren.... Nunggu pagi untuk tes drive keliling-keliling komplek. Dengan dandanan anak komplek tentunya(celana 3/4, sendal jepit).

Trus... test drive ngayuh ke kantor(2.3 km).....hasilnya? Muntaaah.... hahahaha... habis itu puyeng2 3 jam, baru pulang.

Koq muntah, ternyata bener kata orang2... apapun crankset-nya... yang ngayuh tetep dengkul. En pas waktu itu.. gw masih belum pintar untuk ganti2 gear.

Weekend latihan teruus.... untung deket Saburai(lapangan aspal tempat lari pagi), en baca2 hasil browsingan. Senen pas goes ke kantor lagi.... wah udah sangat2 mending....waktu rata2 8 menit 40 detik.

Ternyata enaaak naik sepeda apalagi di Lampung yg konturnya mantap... sangat2 tidak membosankan.

Sudah dua minggu menemani ke kantor, beli lontong sayur, jalan2 pagi, lumayan mantap.

Penurunan kualitas dari motor? Ah rasanya justru peningkatan. Lebih gaya, ramah lingkungan, ramah ke tetangga(karena bisa senyum2), dapet temen baru(toko sepeda), dapet tawaran sepeda bareng2 setiap Selasa dan Jumat(ada club sepedanya, tapi nda pernah ikutan karena males bangun pagi).

Liat deh.. awalnya 2 juta... kalau cocok pelan2 sampai Kona the King... 23 juta....maunya...

Learning from porn stars: Rocco Siffredi and Rosa Caracciolo

After a week displaying Asia Carrera, and this week displaying below picture as avatar on Y!M:

Featuring Rosa Caracciolo and Rocco Siffredi from "legendary" movie Tarzan X(a.k.a Jungle Heat on IMDB).

As teenage lived in 90s... Tarzan X is a major milestone in my personal porn experience. I still remember bought the CDs at one of VCD dealers in Citraland. I got high fever on the journey home... and when I watched it...whew... it was "mind blowing". In fact it was my first porn.

My personal opinion, the picture is provocating eventough it isn't displaying anything out of ordinary. Perhaps people is right that the eyes stare could mean thousand of words.

And as the result, I got tons of instant messages. Some people of course directly pointed out to the movie, but for the rest... I just said to them that it's from "Tarzan" movie.

Why I put the picture? Because I just (yes... so expired already) happened to know that both of the them are already married and have two sons. Congrats guys!

It comes to me? How come? They must have had ton of sex before married to each other. Looking at the filmography, Rosa already met with Rocco on Marquis de Sade before Tarzan X, and more titles afterwards.

It's even said in the Rocco's biography(on IMDB again):

"I have no idea. But if you count about 600 films, you can multiply each film with three to four women. And that does not include the women I had sex with for photo-shoots. I did much more photo-shoots than films. I guess I had sex with about 3000 women, but that's a rough estimate. And it also doesn't include my normal girlfriends, women I had affairs with." - On how many models he has had sex with.

600 films and 3000 women! Whew I envy him...

But still both of them now live as a family. Aawwww..........

Perhaps true love exists.... no matter who you are and what you do.

Lampung! Saturday....

This weekend was the first time I really went out for tourism purpose on Lampung.

At first we went to survey for COW(Cell on Wheel) widely known as COMBAT(Telkomsel's name) which Hutch asked to be put to cover Bakauheni port. This is the first experience I had with COW deployment.

On the street, we encountered some 3's advertisement. Most of them are carrying the slogan "Hi Lampung, Mau?". The large billboard is deployed on Raden Intan road, one of the most crowded area in Lampung. I will take the picture on next opportunity.

After the survey, we went to unknown beach on Kalianda. We found the beach on the way home. The beach was small, but beautiful and the water is quiet clear.

The beach is located on Teluk Lampung area, and facing Sunda strait, thus the wave is not too high. Unlike beach which is facing directly to Indonesia Ocean(on western part of Sumatera).

It was my first opportunity to step on such beach(well since it's my first time in Lampung too).



For some part, it's quite fun to work as PNS(Pegawai Nokia Siemens). You can work and see sooooo many different places and meet with many different people too.

Remembering Great Star: Asia Carrera

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Good Bye Palembang.....

Setelah setahun di Palembang, akhirnya diusir juga. Stasiun perhentian berikutnya: Lampung!!
Ditempatkan permanen di Lampung, hueee.... tantangan juga untuk pindah.

Kenapa nda jadi ke Padang? Karena rekan kerja gw yg ke Padang kemaren, dapet cewe orang Padang. Emang dasar buaya, kunjungan kerja dijadikan kesempatan cari cewe.

Aah biarlah, toh kalo di Lampung deket ke Jakarta, jadi bisa pulang en ngurus2 persiapan kalo mau kuliah lagi.

Anehnya, rasa betah di Palembang tidak dapat hilang.

Minggu kemarin, kita(gw dan anak2 kos) pergi main bilyard di Lotus. Secara weekend gitu looo, jadi gw ikutan. Di sana alih2 main bilyard(walaupun menang hoki straight 2 game), gw malah pesen makanan dan minuman banyaaak bgt. Maklum ingin mencoba semua sebelum pergi.

Pulang dari situ... ke CS kita(cat: CS itu singkatan dari CenterStage, tempat dugem di Novotel). Ruaaammmeeee bgt, ternyata ulang tahun CS yg ke-4(walaupun gosipnya karena minggu terakhir sebelum bulan puasa). Tentu saja mba2 two pieces juga ada(secara mereka pelanggan setia gitu looh..), dan seperti biasa mereka joget2 dengan tiang.
Itu pengalaman terame gw dgn CS. Nda nyangka kalo di Palembang banyak juga yg hobi dugem. Padahal cover charge-nya termasuk mahal loh, 100k!

Besok... harus ngepak2 barang. Yg paling banyak buku2 gw... harus dipaketin ke rumah neh.

Sooo see you in Lampung.... en dugem di Jakarta kita pas weekend... hahahahahaha.....(udah janjian sama beberapa orang).

Palembang POI Survey

We did it! Palembang Point of Interconnection(POI) survey. Well actually we will open POI for all sub-region(Palembang, Lampung, Jambi and Padang). But since I can't leave Palembang, so Palembang POI will do.

What is POI for? Basically it's an interconnection point between operators. So in this case is between HCPT and Telkom for PSTN call. The dimension itself is quite big, we need STM-1 for this interconnection.

So it's for other operators as well? Yes....so we will have POI to other operators(Tsel, XL, Isat, Mob-8, BTel, etc). But Telkom get the priority since call to PSTN is one of the points for Uji Layak Operasi(ULO) from DGPT(Directorate General of Postal and Telecommunication).

What POI indicates? It means that we're getting closer to... *blink*... just wait for the date. Won't miss it though. Marketing people are preparing their campaign.

What else... well I wouldn't miss the chance to look at really running equipment. Well honestly I'm still green in this communication field, but there wow...found TransExpress, HiT 7050, and also Alcatel radio equipment.
Not to mention people from different operators: Mobile-8, Bakrie Telecom, and Sinar Mas Telecom. Wow.. Palembang will get more crowded these months.

Posted some pictures from POI survey on http://www.flickr.com/photos/karduz.

Monday Horror Movie Review

**Spoiler Alert** I try my best not to overexpose the plot, but I can't guarantee that this blog entry is spoiler free. If you object to this, please ignore and go watch some porn instead.

And this Monday movie reviews are Angkerbatu and The Messengers.

Starting with the local first: Angkerbatu
This movie is telling the story about place named Angkerbatu. Yes the place is mentioned in other two previous movies(Jelangkung and Tusuk Jelangkung), and this movie also have the same producer. Starred by Yama Carlos(I don't know his previous filmography), and Mieke Amalia(from the most celebrated Indonesia's sitcom: Extravaganza). The other are not too significant.

Ok guys to the point, this movie is bad! For the most spoiler...this is a failure immitation of Silent Hill. It tells story about Angkerbatu town that become empty after some deforestation act which is said to disturb the kingdom of ghost.

The ghost effect is bad. The actors and actresses are never in mortal danger at all! The cinematography also bad, it keeps displaying unneccessary events and headache-making scenes.

First example: This movie soooo concerns with the main actor(Yama Carlos). The scene when the actor was unbuttoning his shirt is made close up and camera was following the act to display the bare chest and flat stomach(good feature, I have to admit). Oh come on! We're on horror movie here, not on Another Gay Movie! Also in the ends the actor was marked with some scratches and torn clothes(again to show good looking chest), but in the previous act was as the actor was being punched not scratched. Geezz.... I curious if the director is straight or gay.
Come on....I was looking for some emancipation and expecting Mieke bare-chesting too... =P(and running bare-chest-without-bra chased by bunch of ghosts... yum...bounce up ... bounce down...)!

Second example: The ghost feature is Ring and The Grugde alike. Worse, the cinematography shows as if the scenes are unconnected. One time they're on hotel cafetaria with bright lighting, and suddenly the ghost appears from the stair and the lighting is dark. Some logic please! Turn off the lamp first!

If we should remember the glorious Jelangkung. We all remember how we get scared by the simplest of things. When the child appears on the side of the road on their way back to Angkerbatu, or the TV-watching scenes(when Winky's brother appears twice). That was scary.

The conclusion is the producers must be crazy minded expecting he could sell movie like this. He's keep digging from once glorious past and expecting to find some more treasure. If the producer want some more money just re-release Jelangkung with Winky's shirtless scene. It would be goood(I don't recall him ever being shirtless), the girls must be go crazy and went to lalala land.

How could?!?

How could at the first time this gay bule came to Palembang, he already found sleeping partner? Explanation would be internet of course, the place where you could practically sell yourself.

The living blanket was smooth, slim, girlish 19 y'ol boy.... hoh... typical happy gay teens.

The ho..ho.. part is that this bule is HIV+!!!!

What I cann't understand is how could this 19 y'ol boy is following him everwhere, even moving to other province!

Yo ho boy, don't you get anything to do beside getting somethin stickin up u'r ass? I do suggest you try college, it's healthier, and more fruitful later.

The other things that I don't understand is having sex with HIV+ person. Sure, condom campaign mentioned "Condom is 98.99% effective in dealing with HIV transmission ho..ho..ho..". Yeah but still the other 1.01% could deliver lifetime consequences. If I were the boy, I would require veerrryyy long thought before jumpin into bed. But this? At the first night they meet(since this bule just came to Palembang for the first time)? Love at the first sight? Aaawww so sweet.... damned foolish though.

The other ho..ho.. is that this bule is married(with another guy) in Thailand!

I don't understand the boy's thought. And I don't understand the bule as well.

I mean ooh come on.... at least show to other people that gay can be responsible and monogamous. Not to brag "Hey I already have sleeping mate since the Indonesians always drooling for imported meat" in front of the whole office! Ooooh puh leeeassseee.....

And the Indonesians.... aaa elaaah.... cape deee.....

Company sialan!

Udah cape2 gw daftar jadi instruktur Binus Center... udah cape2 ikut tes... udah cape2 dapet jadwal Sabtu-Minggu.... eeeh mau dipindahin tempat..... syalan...syalan!!!!

Padahal pingin dapet uang jajan lebih.... hiks....

Congrats Harry!

You deserved it! After long and tiresome seven volume of books nevertheless fun, I guess I have to let you go with your own life. And leave me with mine, not to mention it's nothing compared to yours.

I realized, with friends like yours, who couldn't do anything in the world? Even facing the Dark Lord himself. Unfortunately, in my world, it would be considered a miracle if someone has friends like yours, with spirit to sacrifice him/herself for other's good. With strong loyalty which can even shake adult's heart.

I remembered how it all began, with you were having nothing leaving a cupboard under the stairs. But in the ends.... I must say... I'm happy too.

Sekayu-Palembang

Last wednesday, I took a trip to Sekayu, a city lies west of Palembang. The trip supposed to be hunting for site, but of course I took it merely for vacational purpose =D. Sekayu is the furthest site of our planned network.

During the trip there, on the car, the driver and SITAC personnel kept telling me when we passed by our site. "Here is site XXXXX, the ground clearing is already done", they said. And I still amazed to see the sites on the real world, for all this time I always stare at dots on map and dealing with technical-analytical data only.

Sekayu is a small city, but kind of elite actually. The city is full of huge and beautiful governmental complex. The soccer stadium and aquatic center are superb. The swimming pool is ITB-alike (raised up from the ground level), with jumping tower for diving (also like ITB). The one that make the complex more beautiful than ITB is the podium for viewer circling the pool. ITB's pool doesn't have viewer podium.

Around maghrib time, the situation was serene. Everything seems to move so slowly, unlike the situation in Palembang. Everybody was walking, eating meatballs, cycling, and gossiping in front of their homes.

It always nice to see new place, can wait to see the others.

Note: 5 new pictures added to here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/karduz

Nokia Siemens Networks, meeting with management

Today, at Horison Palembang, so basically we only worked for half day, hahahahaha......

Already for the second time we had these occasions, the first time was held in Aston Hotel.
The prime star was no other than Stephan Ciesleski(mind the spelling, quite cute guy though), the one who cut my contract value by 80.000 IDR hahahaha.... head of service sub-reg Indonesia.

But surprisingly enough, one of the point that mentioned was NSN is moving to become IT company! With communication trend moving towards IP Multimedia Subystem, at 2010 the vision of NSN is to connect 5 billion people with always-on communication system. Of course at that time all communication device will be expected to be based on IP.
To make things serious, the salary survey which is conducted to determine new harmonization of Nokia-Siemens employee's salary will be based on both telecommunication and IT industries.

Instead of the look from the outside, the guys really try to make the merger works, although I believe some of the comment made from the management is "tai kucing dibelai2" =P.

At that meeting, I also realized... when I met with other people from other project(Indosat and Telkomsel), hey... I already know some of them. We can talk and laugh together. It's like coming to a reunion. I wonder...how come I can get this far?

However, the effect of merger is not so good as management campaigned about. For the employees, we have little increment in salary(that's why Tetty bailed out, I suppose). We now are also facing difficulties to get overtime(must be approved by Stephan). For the subcons, they also are forced to accept offer with lower value(since the numbers of vendors are become lesser, while the projects number are limited).

I dunno, but Hutch now demands little surprise that requires much effort and miracle(I wonder, are their 3 really good in marketing?). Just wait for the showtime.

Live to the fullest?

I envy some people who have no regret on their life.

They think that their life is the best,
that their current job is the best no matter how big or small the salary is,
that their soulmate is the best no matter what other people say,
that their body is something to be proud of,
that they have something to give to this world.

I envy some people who have decision on their live, proud of their choice, and never look back and mourn for what've been lost.

whether to choose the right subject of study,
whether to choose the right job,
whether to choose the right soulmate.

I've lived so long,
have I already made my choice?
Do I have the courage to make one?

Why every morning, I always whine
"Life is difficult"
"How difficult my life is"
so everybody around me are getting bored of my whining?

What if someday my live cease to exist? Will I have some regret?
Unfortunately, my current answer is yes.
So many things left undone, so many places to be seen, so many things need to be learned.

But I don't have the courage to make my own decision, perhaps someday I will.
I have to get stronger so I can defend my decision with my own strength and live my decision to the fullest.
Perhaps I'm still young afterall.