Last Saturday morning I woke up, and started to think "What should I do?". And suddenly afterwards the answer came into mind "Go for HIV test!" Ah yes, i had planned quite some time for the test.
Why?
First because the last time I had free-fall sex was 4-5 months ago, which is already over the window period for HIV.
Second, if i count correctly, I haven't taken any HIV test in the last 1.5 years, which in that time period, I have had unprotected sex with 4 different partners (4 is the number of partners not the number of sex), more within term of protected sex however I never use condom for oral. So guess the risk factor.
Third, because I got this promotion coupon for free anonymous HIV testing offered by Action for AIDS Singapore. Anonymous is good because in back in Indonesia you can't have that kind of testing, and having HIV test attached to your MR (Medical Record) will surely get you into trouble. I already had that kind of experience. Learning from the experience I have designated one not-so-popular hospital only for the purpose of HIV testing.
Fourth, i think this is the time where i have to plan what to do next, and HIV status should come into consideration.
I never feel proud for taking the test, moreover I always feel disgusted and frightened with myself. I know for sure that I will not be able to stop this promiscuous activity unless something really bad happened. I love it and hate myself afterwards. Again I already had experience to back this argument up, however I will try to tell the experience on separate occassions (not to mention I really really not feeling proud for it).
My first HIV test was in Bandung, at B Hospital which I personally requested for it (for a very good reason). This was an "uncomfortable" experience: the doctor and nurses were not supportive at all. I even heard them saying "Kids nowadays...". 2nd and 3rd was in Jakarta. 4th for student pass purpose, and yesterday was the 5th.
And I have to give thumb up for AFA! It was a comfortable experience. The receptionist was an AngMoh (Caucasian) lady, who greeted directly: "Here for HIV test?" which indeed was very helpful rather than asking the patient to come forward. I also noticed that they only take cash as payment which is very good in terms of "anonymous" testing.
My pre-test councellor was an AngMoh guy (who I suspect is the receptionist lady's husband). The counselling session was brief (since I am not a first timer), very pleasant and not judgemental:
Me: "...and I never use condom for oral sex."
Councellor: "Yeah I think most people don't. Unless you go to Geylang, and women there will make you use condom for oral sex."
I like that guy!
Sat while waiting for the result to come out, I couldn't help but thinking: "Yup, I have done it again. Stooopid Kardy.. when will you learn your lesson and never again put yourself in this difficult situation?"
And the dreadful "what if..." started to come and play along. Well, it would surely be a life altering situation. I never want to live up to 70 years for a starter. I wanna die at 50. I don't want kids, and I also don't want a marriage. I even can't stand a relationship.
Things have changed, I believe now I have friends that I can count on. The number is less than fingers in one hand, but for me it is enough.
If the "what if..." should come true, i think i would just take a deep breath, went home and started to learn canoeing next week. Surely the job seeking thing could wait.
For the surprise, the "what if..." seemed to be partially true. While my result was negative, the result of the people whose number was one preceeding me seemed to be "not good". The councellor spent a lot of time during the post-test session. He even called the receptionist lady and introduced her as a pyscholog and asked for her recommendation. He handed over my result to other person because he didn't want me to wait for too long.
At the end of the day, the "what if..." was still hanging around.
"What if the result was mixed out? I mean we were only one number separated."
"What if the test was not sensitive enough, since it was a rapid test?"
However i think i have to live with it. I never expect a sinner to walk freely, and so do with myself. It is like a curse but also a consequence of my acts.
And even if I can escape the unfortunate this time, how long will I be able to do it again and again in the future?
